10 traits for Deep Listening! Truly Listening vs.Hearing

Huh?

Listening Despite Differences

Most of us can hear.  Hearing is an involuntary act.   But how many of us truly engage in listening to another?  Listening means we have to actually take in the auditory information that the other is parleying and then interpret that information.  Best case scenario, the listener receives the information in the way that the speaker intends for it to be heard.

Unfortunately, this is where most communication breaks down as there is no Universal Meaning to anything.  It is here where most of us, as listeners, will interpret the incoming information through the filter of our experiences and assign meaning to it.  Then we make the assumption that the meaning we’ve given is agreed upon rather than seeking clarity about the speakers intended meaning.

We’ve all done it, so we all know the type of person who assumes they know what’s coming next.  They’re the sentence finishers—the interrupters—the conversation dominators.  The assumers are the ones who are formulating what they want to say while you’re still conveying your information. 

When this happens, it simply means that the listener has stopped truly listening.  The trouble with this is that there is a basic human need to feel heard, seen and understood. 

So, how can we listen as an ACT OF SERVICE to meet another’s basic need? 

Active, deep heart-centered listening is an art form that must be cultivated.  We hear roughly 4x faster than we speak so listening must be patient, focused, present and attentive—on purpose.  The best listeners reflect back what they’ve heard for clarification.   This guarantees that they will not make assumptions.  It is common courtesy to listen attentively; it builds your empathy muscles and cultivates compassion for others.  It shows that you are committed to more than yourself—your story—and you being heard. 

10 Traits for Deep Listening!

1.      Keep the conversation on what the speaker is saying not on your response.

2.      Let others speak.  Don’t dominate conversations.

3.      Don’t finish sentences for others.

4.      Cultivate a deep desire to understand and experience what the speaker is conveying rather than assuming it is the same as your similar experience.

5.      Provide feedback so the speaker knows you’re engaged, but do not interrupt with your stories, opinion or preferences.  Smile and make eye contact.

6.      Do not offer unsolicited advice or try to solution find unless you are specifically asked!

7.      Intentionally enter conversations with no agenda of seeking their agreement or to change them, their mind or their perceptions.

8.      Give up assuming you know what anything means!

9.      Reflect what you’ve heard.  Ask questions clarifying not only what the speaker has said, but how it felt for them, what they think/feel now, and how it’s changed them if they’re relating a story.

10.  Be very present.  Square your shoulders/heart to the speaker and listen with not only your ears, but your heart—your entire body.  Listen as an act of service!

Remember, feeling heard is a basic human need.  Truly, deeply listening to another is an act of kindness that uplifts the speaker, forges a deep connection between speaker and listener, one of unity that allows us to focus on our commonalities rather than our differences.  Active, heart-centered listening creates space for differences to exist without judgment.

Joyfully and with warmest aloha from Kauai,

Kim

Optimistic Glasses and Rainbows!

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Kalaheo Rainbow

Koloa Mill Rainbow

Living on Kauai we are surrounded by beauty as a feast for all the senses.  Beautiful things to see, flowers and mountain ranges, the ocean, whales, the contrast of red dirt against vibrant green–  beautiful things to smell in the air via the various fruiting and blooming plants, flowers and trees—amazing sounds to hear provided by the song birds, chickens and musicians on island, and the silky feeling of warm air, ocean water or hot sand on your skin!  Living here is truly a feast for the senses.

While I never grow tired or complacent of the beauty of this island, it’s the rainbows that keep me in awe of miracles on a daily basis.  We live on the edge of a rain-belt, so rainbows are practically a daily occurrence, and I’ve counted as many as 8 in a given day.  They can be seen in every weather condition, shape and level of brilliance here—when it’s bright and sunny or gray and dark, they can be arching high into the sky or lying flat, hugging the hills, or emerging from a cloud making a straight line into the ocean, and manifest as singles, doubles or triples!  So, when we’re out and about, it’s natural for my husband and me to point them out to each other as we notice them.

 I prefer to wear polarizing sunglasses as they block glare and colors seem to pop more, with more detail than with regular lenses.  The world seems enhanced with polarizing lenses.   My husband wears regular lenses. 

The other day we were off to the Hanapepe green waste dump when I spotted the beginnings of a huge double rainbow which apparently he couldn’t see.  Being the smarty-pants that he is, and all in good fun, he called me a nut-job and said he couldn’t see anything.  When I pointed out that my polarizing sunglasses must be what was allowing me to see it, his response was, “Yeah, your Optimistic Glasses—because there’s still nothing there!” 

This got me thinking about why some of us do view the world with optimistic glasses, some with pessimistic and others with neutral, kind-a-boring glasses.  Why do some of us literally see things that others don’t?  I see shooting stars most nights, rainbows daily, things I can’t explain in my garden (Fairies!!!)  and have wildlife experiences that are truly unexplainable (so I rarely try!).  Why do some of us live in the world of “Rational Thinking” and explanations and then there are those of us who don’t need explanations, but would rather live in the world of the unexplainable, the unseen and endless possibilities?

Well, nut-job or not, I like my optimistic glasses and the unexplainable–and it’s been my personal experience that while we nut-jobs might be challenging or even frustrating to be around, those who are rational/explanation seeking thinkers, tend to prefer the company of people like me than their own kind! 

So—today—this year– which glasses will you choose to wear?  Here’s to seeing the world, life and each other with fresh eyes!

Joyfully and with warmest aloha,

Kim

Communication [or a lack there of] & Unrealistic Expectations

Communicate Clearly or Leave it up to Chance?

No Jay Walking on Kauai!

The 2010 holiday season is almost over which leaves us with only a couple of more opportunities this year to interact cleanly with family and friends.  For me, CLEANLY  means responsibly, with no hidden agenda, no undelivered or unspoken communications, no assumptions or assigned meaning, no story making, no pretending, embellishing, misleading, or withholding information, and no subjugating my true nature, peacefulness and desires for the good of anyone else.  This means allowing them—the family and friends I’m interacting with, the same courtesies, without judgment while maintaining healthy boundaries.

Hhmmmmm—my first response is, “Fat Chance with my crowd”!   Translated, I clearly have not mastered the above list.  When mastered, this will be a life of the highest integrity, the most loving allowance of self and others and a profoundly uplifting model of authenticity.  So how do you eat this elephant of uncovering your authentic self and letting go of expectations?  Like any big project, one bite at a time!

Recognizing  Hidden Expectations

   A good first step is to recognize where you harbor expectations that you’ve conveniently forgotten to mention to the person(s) you have expectations of!  Next time you feel let down in a situation, ask yourself if you clearly communicated to the other person just what you wanted.  I know for myself, if I’m disappointed or let down by a situation or person, it’s because I didn’t fill them in on what I wanted.  It sets up our friends and loved ones for failure when we expect them to magically or intuitively know what we want in any situation.  I’ve heard so many girl friends complain, “If he/she really loved me, they’d just know what to do”.   As romantic as that sounds, and as much as I’m sure I would enjoy it, it’s unrealistic, selfish and irresponsible to expect.

Unrealistic—Self-explanatory unless you date on psychic network for singles.

Selfish to expect anyone else to care more about what you want when you’re too lazy to be bothered with asking.

Irresponsible because it’s your job and no one else’s to meet your own needs or make the requests necessary to have them met.

So these last 2 days of the year, intention to be conscious and aware of what you’re seeking, what would be nice to experience, what your preferences might be.  Then, as you interact with your loved ones, coworkers, clients, etc. rather than risk being disappointed, BE BOLD and simply, clearly and concisely ASK for what you want!  (coming soon—What to do when you Ask and DON”T receive!!!)

Happy New Year, Hau’oli Makahiki Hou!

Kim

A New Dog and Unrealistic Expectations!

West Kauai--Mana Plain

 

Beach on West Kauai

 

Christmas Pups

A few weeks ago I was driving home from the Beach at Barking Sands (PMRF Kauai) when I saw what I initially thought was a goat. Upon approach, it turned out to be a dog—very malnourished and dehydrated.  Because of the location on the Mana Plain on the very dry, desolate far west side of the island, I pulled over to check it out and get him to his owners should there be a tag or chip.  45 minutes later and injury free– me and the dog—I had him in the truck and we were off to the humane society on the off chance that he was lost and would be claimed.  The dog had quite obviously been horribly mistreated and/or abused and at the end of his required 7 day stay for strays was deemed “unadoptable” which might have sealed his fate.  Small island that we are, I was called, told the news and asked if I was interested in taking him home, effectively giving the pup a stay of execution. 

I’m sure you can guess the rest—this new 7 month old puppy, with no manners, no pack training and deep seated fear-based reactions to humans has a new home with us and our other 2 dogs.

This is where my unrealistic expectations have been made evident!  Intellectually I knew what we were getting into as all of our dogs have been rescues, but in my hopeful magical thinking, “MacTavish” would show up and be immediately potty trained, sit and stay when told, meal time would be a calm event and he’d be able to walk on a leash with grace and ease.  Oh– and somehow he would intuit that we were his saviors and would never hurt him.  I think deep down I expected my two existing dogs to tell him the rules and guide him, Yoda like, into becoming the Jedi of the adopted dog world. 

I quickly woke up from that pleasant dream when we brought him home on the first night of what’s turned out to be 2 + weeks of torrential rain and flash flood warnings.  My beautifully clean house smells like wet dog and doggie poo and I can’t keep up with the laundry pile of dirty towels, throw rugs, dog beds, toys and blankets! 

I thought puppies and good deeds were supposed to be fun!  Oh well, another unrealistic expectation.

On a lighter note, MacTavish is smart and engaging and acting like a normal puppy rather than an abused one.  He loves our other two and while the biggest of the pack; he is most definitely 3^rd in line of pack order—and happy with it. 

As for my “expectations”?  I opt to stay expectation free, and enjoy the small victories, wins, new discoveries and “ah-hah” moments this pup creates.  He’s the perfect fit for our family at this moment in time teaching us patience, pure presence, adaptability and unadulterated compassion and joy—no expectation required!

Joyfully and with warmest aloha,

Kim

The Holidays, Freedom and Choice

Today, my interaction with the world will be...____?

Ohhh--which to choose!

The holiday season has gotten me thinking about freedom and choice.  I love going out shopping and seeing the decorations and mostly smiling faces.  Feeling the energetic enthusiasm of crowds of people doing what they do for the  holidays.  Since moving to Kauai, I’ve edited and simplified much of my gifting.  This choice has created a freedom to enjoy the holidays with no self-imposed or society driven anxiety about doing it “right”!

Freedom distills down to the power of choice. We are choice making machines–what to wear, eat, think, say do. Where to go, how to feel, who to include, whether or not to keep our word, do our best or not do anything.

One of my favorite adages is, “If what you’re doing isn’t working, then do something else”. Einstein, among others, is credited with saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. Most of us have grown up being exposed to this way of thinking, but so often fail to apply it in our day-to-day lives. Instead, we operate on auto-pilot, reacting the same old ways rather than giving thought to perhaps trying a different approach, or shifting our perspective.

Our ability to think for ourselves, to change our mind, to shift perspectives is directly linked to our sense of self-worth.  It is only when we decide that our good opinion of ourself is more important than the good opinion of anyone else, that we have the ability to start making thoughtful choices that serve us.

It’s interesting, as well, that when we make choices that serve us (i.e. healthy boundaries!) we actually create space for those around us to do the same.  It’s amazing how many of my friends feel grateful, or let-off-the-hook by me being the first to embrace and then enact the no-more-gifting policy.  This choice has also created the freedom to enjoy people simply for being.

I enjoy the holidays more and more as I get older and make the choices that allow them to be simple, easy and people-focused.  Feeling like just being and giving the best I have to offer energetically, in my thoughts, kind words and heartfelt actions is enough–that’s TRUE FREEDOM!–and it’s a choice.

Happy Holidays and warmest Aloha,

Kim

Hormonal Hell

Who will she be today?

I write this not for the women going through perimenopause or menopause, but for the partners who love them—Primarily, MEN!

I find myself at 46 in this transitional period of my life and it’s like giving birth to a demon on a regular basis.  The worst part is knowing that I’m behaving badly during these out-of–body hormonal driven moments (or hours or days!) and being unable to stop myself.  Worse yet, is that there is always evidence that I’m “right” about whatever position I’m defending and fighting for with my barred teeth, crazed eyes and bloody nails.  When the hormonal-haze lifts and I’m blessed with a moment of mental and emotional clarity, it is evident by the shell-shocked and haggard looks on my loved ones faces that I’ve dragged them down into the pits of hormonal hell once again. 

It’s difficult to explain unless you’ve been through it, but everything feels so real during these hormonal fluctuations that it’s hard to tell which perspective on a charged issue is real and a choice, and which perspective is imagined and having all the negative aspects amplified by raging imbalanced hormones.

When I’m “balanced” hormonally, I understand that I’ve made choices about my past and history and that’s where it stays.  Under the driving influence of hormonal fluctuations, I use the past as a weapon of mass-destruction!  When this is happening, and I’m in the middle of one of these initially innocent discussions with my husband, it’s like I’m floating far above the incident, looking down with full, conscious awareness thinking—“Kim, that was harsh-Oh—No No No—you didn’t just say that!  Oh—don’t’ go there!”  and I’m powerless to stop once the ball gets rolling turning a normal conversation into WWIII. 

Living on Kauai, with close neighbors in an open window climate, I can only imagine what they think about me!

So this is a call for understanding and loving allowance for anyone who is dealing with a woman of a certain age who may not be responsible for her hormonally driven actions.  Please, understand, we are powerless in the moment to stop.  Allow us the grace to make amends in the moments of clarity we do experience, and if all else fails, keep handy a vial of Holy water and the number of a courageous priest should our heads start to spin around like Linda Blair’s in “The Exorcist”! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qG5V2iBvFs&feature=related

Joyfully and with warmest aloha,

Kim

How to Procratsinate WELL

Time waits for no woman!

So it’s a week since my last blog and I’ve been feeling a bit of procrastinator’s guilt at not having written a post before now.  I’ve been pondering the topic all week, and I’ve decided that giving up procrastination is an unachievable goal—so I’ll put off trying to stop! 

After all, if I’m involved in one project or task, I’m NOT doing something else.  So, how do we chose what to accomplish and what is actually beneficial to procrastinate on?  The trick, I think, is in having a clear vision.  Whether it’s a vision of how you want the house to look for a party or an explosion of growth in your business, knowing what you want and imagining how it will feel when you have it, creates a vibrational pull of inspiration that definitely helps me make the choice between running errands or working on the project that will take me even one step closer to my vision.

Debbie Ford, in her book, “The Right Questions” (www.debbieford.com) asks;  “Will this choice propel me toward and inspiring future, or keep me stuck in the past?”  Will it move me closer to my goals or farther from them? 

I love these questions because if you’re honest, there’s no hiding behind distractions like running errands or saying yes to others requests when you could be helping yourself!  Many of us—me included—use busy work as a balm to make us feel a bit better when we haven’t worked on something we SAY is important to us.  Running errands or helping neighbors is measurable and feels like a reasonable justification for not doing something else—the thing we’ve said is important.  This is my favorite way to procrastinate. 

If you find yourself doing busy work today—make the conscious choice to procrastinate for the higher good of taking action on the project or hobby or relationship you’re truly passionate about—and enjoy it!

Joyfully and with warmest aloha,

Kim

Procrastination

Procrastination is not an option!

As I sit to write my first blog post in over 2 months, it occurred to me that procrastination might be the perfect topic!  I’ve been INTENDING to post a blog for several weeks, but we all know where that paved road leads. 

Marianne Williamson in “THE SHADOW EFFECT” says that we give intention much more weight and credit than it deserves, and that intention isn’t enough when a change in behavior is warranted.  (www.marrianne.com )

This realization—which I seem to experience over and over—is a tad embarrassing as this is a huge part of the daily work I do with others.  In looking at where I need to make a behavioral change in this arena, I realize that it’s the same, tired old excuse that has been played out in so many areas of my life, and that is putting others and their agenda as a priority over my own or what’s in my own best interest.  For me, this seems to be an easy cop-out, and a fall-back M.O. that I comfortably allow. 

The trouble with realizations like this, of course, is that once it’s made, it will occur over and over as a call from our higher-self to create necessary change.   We show ourselves and others what we are committed to through our actions. 

So- I heed the call from my higher-self to show, through my actions exactly what I am committed to.  Procrastination loses today, and intention with behavioral change wins- beginning with today’s blog post!

Joyfully and with warmest aloha,

Kim